| Jan. 21st, 2007 @ 02:23 am ____ |
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Current Mood:  icky
I'm back at school and it kind of sucks. Disjointed, moderately emo reasons follow below.
1) I'd returned from break kind of broken-down, beat to a pulp by under-achievement and low self-esteem. Family, friends, sleep, kitties, and poodles helped me pull myself back together, but it seems that just as I feel like myself again I have to start down the path of self-disappointment again away from all those healing things. Balancing being hopelessly carefree and a good student at once is near to impossible.
2) I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I was pretty sure that I wanted to eventually get my PhD at some point, but I don't think I'm cut out for it. Writing essays is painful for me, in part because of my procrastination fueled by perfectionism. Maybe I still want to do things like social reform or whatever, but then sometimes I think I should just drop out and go live in an ecocommunity in Canada. I was for a time thinking of studying public policy in addition to sociology, but the economics of it bores me, and I'm rather fond of working in the more abstract, theoretical frameworks that sociology can provide. In a matter of days I am having to make decisions which feel like they will have a huge impact on the direction of possible careers. Public policy or no public policy? A large part of me would really enjoy to just be an extreme adventure sports coordinator thing. One of those people who takes people hang-gliding or white water rafting. In actuality, my bachelors probably won't be good for anything. Why am I going to school again?
3) I'm pretty sure that two of the people I'm living with are for some unknown reason angry or annoyed with me, or just have grown to dislike my personality, as they often retire to one of their rooms and speak in hushed voices. One of them is silently passive aggressive and glare-y. I seriously think that she is frustrated because I use the living room for things other than watching television. Oh, and they both like those scented Glade Plug-in things and my other roommate and I think they're suffocating so we always unplug it. Maybe I'm imagining things.
4) In efforts to quell my cabin-fever from living in the solitude at Mills, I've cross registered to take this anthro class at UC Berkeley called "Controlling Processes." It's about cultural control, hegemony, and other such things. Should be really fascinating and in-tune with my personal ideologies, but I just spent the whole day reading 1984 for this class, and now I'm filled with this dry sense of paranoia. It's icky.
5) I don't have a lot of friends here. Well, maybe that's not true... but most of them live off-campus or I see them once in a blue moon. I don't really enjoy the whole process of being "friends for a semester." It's weird and really contrary to what I adapted to in high school. Mostly I don't feel like I have a social life to speak anything of, and often I long for this "time of your life" that I'm supposed to be experiencing in my undergraduate career. Sometimes I wonder if I permanently tainted my college experience by being in a long-distance relationship my first year.
6) I'll be driving home less often this semester to try to stay on track academics-wise. As much as I enjoy going home, I don't like shifting back and forth between different roles every other weekend.
7) I need to figure out the appropriate usages of the dash-dash----------.
8) I don't laugh as much here. |
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atonalapple's journal
procrastinating
whattt???